thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
