apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
