and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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