now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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