he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
