Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
