hotel room ftw
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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