I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
