At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
