NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
