apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
