Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
