I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
