I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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