I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
