i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Blood and glitter go together right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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