Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She's the barista slut.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
