Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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