best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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