we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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