so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
