I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
