I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
