if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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