Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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