i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
