I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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