I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
