the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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