I wish I could punch you in the face.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
