I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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