My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
