i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize