well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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