true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
