I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
