I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Semen is not good for contacts.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
