My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
