i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
