You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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