fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
