were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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