At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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