he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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