Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
