i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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