I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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