Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
