hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
