then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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