Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
