I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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