I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
