you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
