You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
