We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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