: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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