yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
