Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
