Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize