My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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