Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize