You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
