u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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