brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Rumble strips road head = magical
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
