im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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