i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
