So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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